Abysso
by Je Veux Croire
Summary: A/U: Derek comes to a realization. Addek of course!


**Summary:**  A/U This is my first attempt at a one-shot. So originally, I had intended my other fic, 'No One Can Hurt Me Like You Love Me', to be less dramatic that it is turning out to be, but that's not gonna happen-LOL ;) So, this is another take on what should have happened after the camera panned away from Derek and Meredith on the couch in 'An Honest Mistake'. Of course it's ADDEK, like I could write anything else. :P

**Abysso: ** (Greek Latin: Greek [abussoz], a-, "no" plus bussos, "bottom" through Latin [abyssus], "no bottom, bottomless")

**Abyss**

1. A bottomless pit.

2. Anything too deep or too great to be measured; lowest depth.

3. An immeasurably deep chasm, depth, or void.

4. The primeval chaos out of which it was believed that the earth and sky were formed.

5. The abode of evil spirits; hell, thought of as a bottomless pit.

Strictly speaking, the abyss is a particular zone extending between 3,000 and 6,000 meters (9,840 and 19,680 feet at 3.28 feet per meter) in depth. By extension, the term is also used to designate the deep oceans everywhere.

(Courtesy of  )

_At the bottom of modern man there is always a great thirst for self-forgetfulness, self-distraction; and therefore he turns away from all those problems and abysses which might recall to him his own nothingness._

—_Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821-1881)_

**Disclaimer:** Don't own them just having my way with them. =)

**ThanX** go out to my beta A.E.

**'Abysso' by Agent Addek**

The sour taste in his mouth was beginning to consume him. The golden brown liquid that had helped numb him from feeling any emotion, was starting to fail. Meredith had sat with him for a while, but she'd finally given up and gone to her room. He knew she wanted to help him...she wanted to pull him out of this hole that he was digging himself into. She wanted to brave it out and save him from falling into the abyss. He smiled bitterly as he swirled the scotch in his glass. It was more like watered down scotch because the ice had long ago melted and mixed with the alcohol. Derek hadn't taken a sip since Meredith left him to sulk on his own. He couldn't blame her, she was not used to this side of him...the side that just wanted to be left alone...the side that, sooner or later, would lash out at anyone in his vicinity...the side that he'd been trying to hide since he had moved out to Seattle.

Derek set down the untouched glass of liquor and slumped back onto the couch. The events of this past week plagued and taunted him. The irony of the whole situation, was that along with the success that he had had with Archer's surgery, had also come the failure of Jen's. He thought he could be God...what a fool!! He was only human, but when he was holding the lives of his patients, people that had given up hope of a cure or a successful surgery, he felt like a God amongst men. That feeling of being some sort of savior, had slowly over powered him, making him feel somewhat invincible. It was something that he had been struggling with for years...a monster that he had tried to keep at bay. If Derek was honest with himself, he had lost that fight years ago, but his own self delusion stopped him from realizing it. The battle had slowly been raging inside of him, even before he'd moved to Seattle. That's what caused him to flee New York in the first place. Well, that and the fact that he'd caught Addison in bed with Mark.

He'd left the status, the money, his trust fund wife...all the things, that to him, represented his worst nightmare. The things he thought were factors in his craving for power. He wanted to leave what he thought was causing his arrogance, so he fled across country, to a new city, to start a new life. He bought the land in the middle of the forrest, bought an unassuming Air Stream trailer and tried to embody that wood chopping fisherman, as Addie had dubbed him. Derek was trying to push away what he had become. He was trying to convince himself that he wasn't that person. He'd met Meredith, the girl in the bar, and fell for her. She represented the complete opposite of the life he had left behind and he welcomed and embraced the newness and difference of her. Derek could lose himself in her and forget who had become, but it didn't last long because the life he'd abandoned had come looking for him. He never dealt with what happened between he and Addison, and he still hadn't. It was too painful and too much partly his fault.

Derek couldn't deny that this conflict inside him had left innocent by-standers in its destructive wake...and Addison had been one of his first victims. Derek roughly raked his fingers through his thick salt & pepper hair. The thought of Addison still made his stomach churn with disgust...but not for what she had done to him, but for what he had done to her. He had sacrificed his wife for his career! She had been blindsided. The passion for medicine that they both had shared, somehow turned into his obsession, leaving her alone in their marriage. But she wasn't his only victim, there was Mark, Meredith, and even to some extent, Rose. How many more people would he hurt with his contemptuous, indecisive, and selfish nature?

The rattling of keys at the front door jarred him out of his inner turmoil. Izzie, Alex, and Lexie slowly made their way in, but stopped in their tracks when they noticed him in the living room.

"Sorry, we didn't mean to bother you, we'll just..." Izzie began as she turned to walk back out with Alex and Lexie in tow.

Derek cleared his throat before he spoke, "It's okay, I was actually just leaving, so don't go on my account." He replied in a hoarse voice. He stood up from the couch and offered them a forced smile. All three of them entered the living room rather awkwardly as Derek passed by them. He stopped by the doorway and looked up the stairs, he could feel them watching him. He hesitated for a moment, then turned and walked out the door.

Derek rushed to his jeep. As he got in and turned the ignition on, he looked up and noticed Meredith by the window looking at him in confusion. He then saw her dart away, probably coming down the stairs to stop him, so he pulled out of the driveway briskly. He stepped on the gas a little more than he should...he didn't know why he was running away from her, but his instincts told him that if he didn't leave now, he would never leave.

Derek had no idea where he was going. He wanted to go some place where he could just sit alone with his thoughts. He continued to drive aimlessly through the familiar streets. Where should he go? He wanted to go to the trailer but Meredith would easily find him there and he really didn't want to be around her, or anyone, for that matter. The ringing of his phone startled him out of his thoughts, he reached for it, it was Meredith. Should he pick up? He didn't want to worry her but he had nothing to say to her at the moment. Derek looked at the ringing phone once more, silenced it, then tossed it on the passenger seat.

He felt restless. He wanted to get out of the car and walk around, clear his head. As he continued to drive on the freeway, Derek noticed the Mercer Street/Seattle Center exit and veered off onto the ramp. He knew where he wanted to go. He made a right at Fairview Avenue North, and then a left onto Valley Street. After a few minutes Valley Street turned into Broad Street, which then led him to the street he needed to get to...Alaskan Way. He drove on Alaskan Way for a little over half a mile before he arrived at his destination, the Seattle Waterfront. Having lived in Seattle for about 4 years now, had helped him find some great places in the city, and the waterfront was something he had been wanting to fully explore for a while now. It had pretty amazing seaports, the view from the 5 miles it ran across the shore was spectacular. Derek parked his car in the half full lot. The pier seemed empty even though there were a few people milling about. As he exited his car, the cool salty ocean breeze assaulted his face, but he welcomed it. He looked around taking in his surroundings...people were talking and laughing, music could be heard coming out from some of the restaurants and bars. He walked passed the different buildings until he reached an empty bench by a path near the shoreline. It was quieter in this area, it was just him...except for a couple to his right holding hands and enjoying the view. Derek watched them and a sad smile graced his face. He envied how carefree they seemed, just happy being in each other's company. He looked away and stared off in front of him, taking in the vastness of the sea. How many secrets did it hold? How many things where hidden beneath its beauty?

He had always been drawn to water from a very young age. He loved the sound of the water's movement, it lulled him. He could spend hours fishing or just sitting near it. Being near any body of water had always managed to help ground him, helped him clear his head. As a child, he had always looked forward to the fishing trips with his father. It was the only time he'd had away from the house that was ran by his four sisters. His father had been a good man, he taught him about responsibility, honor, respect...all the things that a man should be. His parents had been a hard working couple, everything they had growing up was because of the sacrifices they'd made to provide for their family. His mother was a nurse, his father owned a shop. They didn't grow up poor but they didn't grow up with a silver spoon, they'd had everything they needed. As he and his sisters grew up, their parents taught them about the value of a dollar, what it meant to work hard for what they wanted, and of course, to respect themselves and others. Having four sisters had also taught him how to treat women...he knew the right things to say and do, when to buy flowers, chocolates, or both.

Derek had had a good childhood until it was torn apart. The murder of his father had changed something in him and his family forever. After they buried his father, his mother was their sole provider. She worked like a dog day and night to save the shop, the house, keep food on the table, and clothes on their backs, and she never complained. She always had a smile on her face... almost like she was afraid that if she faltered for one second, her children would fall apart. He would always be grateful to her for that, he wouldn't have been able to cope with his father's death had it not been for his mother. As soon as Nancy and Kathleen got old enough, they had helped lighten the burden on his mother's shoulders by working as they put themselves through school. His mother of course, protested at first...she just wanted her girls to concentrate on school, but when they wouldn't take no for an answer, she relented. She realized when she was fighting a losing battle. That was their life...always working hard and fighting for everything they had. That is how they all persevered, how they all managed to put themselves through school, and how they all ended up in the medical profession. So when he became a surgeon, it had filled him with pride that he was able to accomplish that when so many odds had been stacked against him. He had fought tooth and nail through school, pre-med, medical school, and ultimately, through his internships and residencies to be the best. It didn't come easily to him, he had to study hard and practice twice the amount as any. It had never bothered him though, because it was his passion, it was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. Every time that he saved a life, it was as if he was doing justice to his father's memory.

So what had happened? When did he lose sight of what was important? When did saving lives become about the accolades and the money? When did he let his passion become his obsession? How had he allowed it to consume him at the expense of his wife and even his family? When had his ego and self grandeur become his greatest adversaries?

The buzzing of his phone brought him out of his self examination, it was Meredith again. Derek couldn't bring himself to answer...what would he say to her? He still hadn't figured out why he had felt the need to leave her house, or why he'd bolted out of her driveway when he saw she was coming after him. She probably wanted answers, answers that he couldn't give her. He silenced it and slipped it back in his pocket and then felt his fingers graze the small velvet box he had been carrying around with him. It was the ring that his mother had given him for Meredith. His mother had said he needed Meredith because it wasn't always black and white with her. She had approved, she liked Meredith and he'd felt relief and happiness wash over him at that moment, because he loved her and wanted to make a life with her. Derek grinned remembering his mother's words. It was true, she always managed to walk a little outside the lines of the norm, and that was something he always found appealing about her. Meredith was such a paradox at times.

When he had met her, she had been a breath of fresh air. She was young, vibrant, smart, funny, and adventurous. That night he went home with her, she was everything he needed to help him forget who he was. Then when he realized she was an intern at his new job, it was almost like fate had put her there. Everything new he needed for his new life was all packaged up in a shiny bow, but it didn't turn out that way. The job that he had come out there for, was not only promised to him, but to Preston Burke as well, and he was a formidable opponent. He was, after all, a remarkable cardio-thoracic surgeon, and the girl from the bar that he fell for, came with a lot of baggage. He had pushed all negative thoughts of her, the job, and his home away, because this was supposed to be his different beginning...they had to be given the time to settle. It wasn't easy...and it still wasn't, but when are things in life ever simple? But how much had he really changed in the past four years? He still worked at a place where he was seen as the second coming, and he had a girlfriend, who for a long time, referred to him as 'McDreamy'. He was still that self absorbed, egotistical, selfish asshole that he'd been back in New York, except he was able to hide it better in Seattle. So why run away? The only things that had changed, were the scenery, the hospital, and the woman by his side...other than that, he was still the same person.

Derek reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "You're picking a hell of time to figure this out." He thought out loud. What did he see in Meredith? He loved her, of that he was sure of, but why? Could he honestly answer that question? She helped him live again and shared his passion for neurosurgery. She was a resilient person, but she wasn't strong by any sense of the word. She was loyal to those she fiercely loved, she...she...what? He stood up and paced on the path near the shoreline, the couple long gone. This wasn't a hard question, why did he love her? Professionally, she never challenged him, it was almost like she was afraid of going up against him. She was constantly running from him and he was always chasing her. He wanted a family, a home, a life together...she didn't know what she wanted for breakfast at times. She was afraid to fully commit and he couldn't blame her, he had lied to her about Addison. He half laughed. Their relationship...it had been a constant roller coaster since the beginning, and all of sudden, after a few sessions with her shrink, she was all better now. He was supposed to trust that they were meant to be forever?

If they were meant to be forever, then how come he felt something inside of him stir the moment that Addison called him? Why was it so easy for him to drop his preparations for his proposal to Meredith with one single phone call from his ex-wife? The moment he heard her distraught voice, he knew that he would do whatever he could to help her. He knew that he couldn't deny her a single thing. If he was so in love with Meredith, why did his heart ache when Addie stepped off the back of the ambulance and ran into his arms? Why did it feel so right to hold her? When she came and begged him to be God, to be that arrogant bastard who had sacrificed her for the accolades and prestige, to save her brother, she had set aside her pride and bruised heart. It was almost as she was saying, "I forgive you for ignoring me and putting your job above us, because those hours that you spent away from me, those hours that you traded in for our marriage, are the very hours that gave you the training and expertise to save my brother." It tore him up to see her fall apart in front of him. She still loved him, after everything that he had put her through, she somehow still loved him. At the bar, after successfully operating on Archer, the look that had crossed her face after the song, the song the he had written for her, that pained expression on her beautiful face as she looked at him, made him ache as a few memories of what their life was played in his head.

Then why did he lash out at her? Why did he yell at her when she asked him to stop? He had been seething, he couldn't see why she didn't understand that he needed to make things right. He had let Jen down, she would never hold her child in her arms. He wanted to be God at that moment, but Addison had known it was too late to save Jen, but not too late to save the baby. So she spoke up and told him so. He grinned, she never backed down. She wasn't afraid to tell him he had gone overboard. She stood up to him when no one else would. That was so Addie, always up to the challenge.

Derek stopped pacing and started making his way back to his truck. He needed to see Addison, he had to speak to her. He had so many things running through his mind...questions, answers, apologies, forgiveness...all the things that had been left unsaid. He picked up the pace a little as he neared the parking lot, he wanted to go to her before he lost his nerve. He slipped into his seat and turned the ignition. Derek drove through the streets rapidly, he knew where she was staying, Addison always stayed in the same hotel. She'd probably still be awake, but would she want to talk to him? After the way he treated her, he wouldn't be surprised if she didn't, but he'd have to take the risk.

Derek arrived at The Archfield and drove up to the valet. He handed his keys to the driver and walked down the passageway towards the entrance. As he walked inside, he couldn't help but admire the splendid Italian renaissance architecture, it was definitely an amazing building. Once in the main lobby, he immediately noticed the piano bar which was located in the heart of the hotel. He understood why Addison enjoyed staying here, it had a traditional warmth with 21st century convenience and personalized service. They offered a health club and spa, along with great guest room amenities...plus, it had two of Seattle's finest restaurants with French-inspired Northwest cuisine and an exquisite regional wine list. He smiled, only the best for Addie.

Derek found the elevators on the right hand side of the lobby and was about to press the button when he realized he had no clue what room Addison was in. He weighed his options as he looked towards the front desk. He couldn't very well ask because they wouldn't offer up the information without calling her and asking, and he didn't want to give her the chance to not come down. But who would know? Actually, who would know that would voluntarily give him the room number? Mark was still pissed at him and would ask too many questions, Archer hated him and wouldn't want him anywhere near Addison, and Richard would also ask him to stay away from her after the confrontation in the surgical room. He ran his fingers through his hair, he was growing impatient. Sam! Maybe he would know. Derek knew that Sam and Naomi had flown back to LA earlier today, they had probably already arrived. He picked out his phone from his pocket and dialed.

"Hello?" Sam answered. Derek could hear some noise in the background.

"Sam? It's Derek. I'm sorry for calling so late, I..."

"Derek? Hold on a sec." Sam replied as he walked out towards his deck to better hear him. "Okay, sorry about that. I have some people over..."

"Oh I'm sorry. This won't take long."

"Don't worry about it. It's just some people from the office who were worried about Addison and Archer. Nai and I are just filling them in. So what can I do for you my man?"

"I ah...I need to know what room Addison is staying in?" He asked hesitantly.

Sam paused for a moment. He weighed the reasons why Derek would want to go to Addison at this hour. He didn't want to interfere in whatever was going on with them, but his protective instinct kicked in. "Listen Derek, I don't know what's going on, but just give her some space to regroup. Let her get herself together again and then go see her."

 "Sam, I know I was an asshole to her, that's why I need to see her and apologize." He explained.

"Yeah you were. It's just that she's still vulnerable from the whole thing with Archer, she doesn't need you making things worse. Look, I get it, I do, but just..."

"Sam please. I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important. I really need to see her." Derek said sincerely.

"Alright. Just promise me that you won't..." Derek cut him off. He knew what he was worried about. "I promise Sam. I just want to talk."

"She's in room 223. Good luck."

"Thank you. I'll talk to you soon."

Derek hung up, put his phone away and pressed the button for the elevators. The doors opened after a few seconds and he stepped in. He was nervous, he could feel the anxiety building in his stomach. He reached up to click on the second floor. His fingers trembled a bit so he balled up his hands and then shook them out. He took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. The ding of the elevator got his attention as it came to a stop. He quickly noticed the sign with the arrows pointing the directions to the different room numbers. He made a right and continued to walk down the corridor until he found himself standing in front of her door. He could hear some music playing softly. She must really be upset, he thought. Anytime that she would feel a bit down, she would play some music and drink wine. It would help relax her as she contemplated what was bothering her. A smile spread across his face, he still knew her...even though they had been divorced for almost 2 years, and hadn't really been together in nearly 5 years, he still knew her. He reached up his hand and knocked, then held his breath. He could hear her feet padding on the floor coming towards the door. Derek could hear her sharp breath intake, shocked to find him at her door. The heavy wood door opened slightly and she peaked out.

"Derek?" She said in surprise.

"Hi." Is all he could say.

She opened the door more and stepped in front of him. She was wearing a dark blue silk robe that was untied over a simple silky camisole in the same color. He didn't mean to stare but it was distracting. It only reached mid thigh, and at the top it was gathered, which drew his eyes to her breasts...the rise and fall of her chest almost lulling him. Derek was brought out of his exploration of her when Addison cleared her throat loudly to get his attention, and then tied up her robe uncomfortably.

"Derek, what are you doing here?" She asked hesitantly.

"Can I come in?" He asked sheepishly as he averted her eyes.

She watched him for a few moments, trying to gage the reason for his visit. She finally stepped back inside and signaled for him to enter. Addison walked towards the stereo and lowered the volume as she picked up the glass of wine near it, then turned to look at him again. Derek was still by the entrance of the room. He closed the door behind him and then took in the surroundings. There was a half drunk bottle of red wine on the coffee table next to her untouched food. He noticed she had thrown her coat over the sofa and her shoes were left out on the floor. He could feel her watching him, he knew she was waiting for him to say something. He chanced a look over at her and was met with questioning eyes.

"I guess you're probably wondering what I'm doing here?" He said as he took a seat on the couch and clasped his hands together in an attempt to calm himself. Addison raised an inquiring eyebrow and nodded yes in response. She went around the coffee table and sat down on the sofa across from him, waiting for Derek to continue. "I came for so many reasons, but honestly, I don't know where to start." Addison kept her eyes on him, staring intently into his. They were a painfully shade of blue, they'd always manage to make her feel like he was looking into her. She finally spoke.

"The beginning is always a good start." She said with a slight grin as she fidgeted with her glass.

"Yeah...I guess it is. Have you ever felt like the life that you wanted somehow escaped you...and even though you try to find it, you just don't succeed?" He waited for an answer.

"What do you mean? Derek, is this about what happened with Jen?" She asked softly. He flinched at the mention of the woman he couldn't save.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." Addison said quickly.

"It's okay Addie. It has to do with her, but it doesn't. It has to do with me, with you, Meredith, and everything else. I fucked up. I really fucked up didn't I?" He asked her pointedly.

Addison gave him a confused stare, "What are you talking about?" She was purposely staying away from the fact that he had said, 'It has to do with you.' "The surgery?" Derek stared at her curiously. He knew what she was doing, but he understood. She was protecting herself so he didn't correct her. "Derek it happens, we're doctors not God. We can't save them all. Look, I know what I asked...and it wasn't fair of me to put you in that position. I'm so sorry. I was so desperate to save my brother that I..."

"Addie don't apologize..like you said, you were worried about Archer and I understood. I can't take back what happened with Jen, and it kills me to know that I'm responsible for her death. That's why I couldn't give up on her in that operating room, because I didn't want that on my conscience...but she was already gone and you knew that. You knew that she was long gone and you stopped me." 

"Derek I had to, I..."

 "I know you did Addie. I do. At the time I couldn't see why, but I felt why. I just couldn't bring myself to accept it. You were the only one that stood up to me." He said in surprised realization...not at her standing up to him, but that nobody else dared to.

"I had to save the baby and I knew your need to save Jen was clouding your judgment. I couldn't let you decrease the chances of the baby's survival, even if I did understand why you couldn't stop. I knew you would be angry with me, but I didn't have the luxury of caring...I had a little patient who was depending on me."

"I'm glad you did what you did though."

"You are?" She said astonished. "I...well I'm glad, but...you didn't seem like it afterwards...especially after you had your fight with Mark."

"Oh that." He chuckled. "Well, like I said at the time, I didn't understand...but I do now and you were right to do it. But...that's not what I meant when I said I fucked up..." He leaned forward and caught her eyes once more. "I was talking about us."

"What do you mean?" Her voice was hardly more than a whisper.

"I'm talking about what happened in New York...it wasn't all your fault, I'm partly to blame for it as well. I mean, I know that I said that to you before, but I never really accepted responsibility for my part in it all. I blamed you for everything, I..."

"Why wouldn't you? I slept with your best friend." Addison stated sadly as she looked away. She leaned over and set the wine glass down, then sat back and wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

"I'm not just talking about you and Mark, I'm talking about the rest of it." He stood up and paced towards the window. The room had an amazing view, he could see the space needle just a few blocks over. Addison was silent, her heart beating rapidly, her breathing quickened. She was afraid to say anything because she might not have a voice. "I blamed you." He simply said as he turned to look at her. He saw a bit of shock in her expression, but she still didn't say anything. Derek went towards the bar and poured himself a glass of scotch, then grabbed Addison a bottle of water. He walked back towards her and handed her the water. She took it, opened it, and took a few sips to get rid of her cotton mouth. "I blamed you for what I was becoming." He scuffed bitterly.

"What you were becoming?" She asked, confused.

"A selfish, egotistical, power hungry bastard." He said, slightly disgusted with himself.

Addison was floored. "What are you talking about? You weren't any of those things Derek." She looked at him perplexed.

"But I was Addie...I was. I turned into this person that I didn't even recognize...and at that time, I thought it was because of you. I was always struggling to give you things that I thought you wanted. I didn't grow up like you, I didn't have all the things that you had." 

"Derek, I know this, but that never mattered to me..." 

"I know that now...and to be honest, I knew that then too...but for some reason, I couldn't see it. When I met you and asked you out and you said yes, I was shocked. I couldn't wrap my head around it...I was so intimidated by you. You had everything going for you. You were gorgeous, intelligent, funny, witty, rich, and you could have had anyone and you chose to go out with me. I guess I always felt like I had to constantly compete to stay in your life. I never felt like I was worthy. I worked my ass off to take you to the places that you were accustomed to. I guess in a way, that's why my mother resented you...even after we married. I made her think with my actions, that you wanted and needed those things...but the funny thing is, that you never did. I just assumed." Addison was about to say something but he gestured with his hand to let him finish. She nodded and Derek continued. "I assumed that you wanted the life you always had, but all you wanted was a life with me."

She swallowed the lump in her throat and with teary eyes she pinned his own. "I always just wanted you." She said as her lips trembled slightly.

"How could I have been so blind? I had you all along and somehow I always felt like I had to win you over everyday. Jesus Addie..., I threw myself into work. I put in all those hours under the pretense of becoming better at my job and being the best in my field, but there was always that underlying feeling that I had to do the best so that you would never leave me. Funny huh? I ended up leaving you." He guffawed sourly. "We both shared this passion to save people, we were so ready to take on the world together. How could I let this happen?" He said as tears stung his eyes.

"Derek, those things you said you became...we as people all struggle with those daily, and I think more so when when we do what we do. It's only natural that we sometimes feel that. We hold people's lives in our hands and when we save them, it's hard not to think that you're some sort of savior." Addison reached up to her face and brushed a few tears away. She cleared her throat and then tried to speak. "You can't blame yourself for everything that happened. Yes, I was blindsided when you buried yourself in your work and I tried to make excuses for it, because to some extent, I understood. Then I just lost you to it completely...and you no longer looked at me the same, I was invisible to you. Mark saw me when you didn't. I crossed the line when I slept with him, I will never forgive myself for causing you that pain. Believe me, I'm still paying for it."

"Addie, look at me." She slowly turned to face him. "What happened with Mark...I get it now, I do. Meredith provided the same for me....it was solace." He stated loudly, understanding it himself for the first time. Addison watched him incredulously.

"Derek..."

"I can't believe it's taken this long for me to realize that. I kept asking myself why I took you back when you first came out here? Something in me wouldn't let you go...but I wanted to hurt you so I continued this thing with Meredith. Then I couldn't let her go, so I let you go again. Then you left and things with Meredith weren't working, I tried, and so did she, and we're still trying...and then you called about Archer and I dropped everything. Do you know that I was purposing to her that night?" Addison couldn't respond, she was in shock. "I had everything ready...I even got Mark to help." He chuckled ironically. "I spread out roses on her bed and had a bottle of champagne...I was ready to give her my mother's ring, but then you called and all I could think about was you. I could have purposed you know? You were coming from LA and I would have had plenty of time to do so, but instead, I chose to go to the hospital and go over Archer's files while I waited for you to arrive. I wanted to hold you, reassure you, and just make it better. When you came to me and you said that you had to put me in a box in order to try and move on, it hit me...I had been doing the same. I had this feeling of wanting you near but keeping you at arm's length, and then growing frustrated and angry because with you near me, I couldn't hide it anymore. Then at Joe's, having you in front of me as our friends reminisced about our wedding day, I saw the pain that crossed your face and I knew exactly what you were feeling, because I felt it too. I love Meredith, I do, but Addison...I'm still love with you."

Addison inhaled sharply. She was completely dumbfounded by the turn of events. Were her ears deceiving her? Was she going to wake up soon and realize that this was all some sort of dream?

"Derek, please don't...I can't...." She couldn't say a word. He stood up, came over and knelt down in front of her. He reached up to her face and titled it towards him. "I know this isn't fair to you, I know that...but I had to tell you. I couldn't keep lying to myself, or you."

"What do you want from me Derek?"

"I want you back." He simply stated.

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_"A man without passion is only a latent force, only a possibility, like a stone waiting for the blow from the iron to give forth sparks."—Henri Frédéric Amiel (1821-1881)_

So, there you have it...my first attempt at a one-shot. So what'd ya think?? :)

PLEASE REVIEW :) Comments are Hugs :)

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